“Sir Grenfeld was a great knight. Christian, chivalrous, and brave. Few men these days, I believe, can live up to his deeds.”

    I try to open my eyes. They feel so heavy. I can taste blood in my mouth. Not quite sure if it's mine. I can see the battlefield. I can see the spring rains coming to wash the field clean.

    I can see the heathen spear in my belly. It must have been the big one I saw who did it. He was a true and honorable enemy, for a pagan. I wonder if he knows the foolishness of his ways? That his path leads to utter damnation?

    I feel my warhorse propping me up. He must be dead. As I will be soon. “Oh God!” I let out a cry of pain. A numbness spreads from the spear. My tabard is ruined, a bloody hand print where a man grabbed me. She made my tabard while I was away, so I could have a gift. I never repaid her kindness. In front of me I can see a few bodies, calm flowers waving near them. Purples and yellows next to steel and blood.

    “Where is the Father? Father, where are you?” I picture Father Julin, all bones and stretched skin. A rudely carved crucifix around his neck. Black wood on black habit on black skin. Is he dead as well? Never to return to his abbey? Never to hear the slow chants of his brothers praise heaven again?

    I place my trembling hand on the spear. I wrap my gauntlet-clad fingers around the haft. I try and pull the the spear out. I remember being fitted for the gauntlets, years ago, ready to go and crusade for the Lord. I was all gleaming metal and shining eyes when I said goodbye to my home. His face, riddled by pox, dark with anger. Holding my mother and brother hostage until his corrupt flesh gave out.

    I find it so hard to move. I want to close my eyes again. If only there was some water for me to drink. If only, if only. I can see the cup of wine in my hand as I was toasted before I left. Did Dame Boille ever marry Earl Forsyth? They were obviously in love. Even a damn fool like me could see that. How prettily she danced, her blue dress swaying like the ocean.

    “Father, I need your help” rasps from my mouth. Who am I asking for, again? I think I hear voices crying out. Everything looks so far away.

    I feel water on my forehead I didn't realize it was time for my knighting i hope I look alright to everyone i feel out of place among the lords and ladies of the realm why isn't father here he should be proud of me i feel wet seep down my face wish Father was here I wish he was here wish i could see her blue eyes or hear her voice father where are you i have my name now father my love i have my name now i have a name now